Banana Trees

  • Banana trees grow in clumps. They are like invasive bamboo, only bigger. With huge root systems.
  • They need constant pruning to remove dead leaves.
  • Once a tree fruits, it will never fruit again and needs to be chopped down with a machete (ok, I admit, that’s fun!), the pieces dragged outside, and the bin men bribed to take it all away (strictly cash or a six-pack of beer – Alf’s job).
  • Once you chop it down, if you don’t dig up the root, it will re-grow really fast, but never fruit.


  • They lean across the driveway and fall on your car if you’re not careful.
  • They fall over when they’re heavy with fruit. Or when it rains too much. Or just because they want to. They like to be tied up.

Tied bananas

  • The whole clump will fall over if you poison one stump because you didn’t know they were all connected.
  • The fruit all ripens at once and you have to go and hang shopping bags full of bananas on your neighbours’ fences.

Bunches of Bananas

  • You might not even eat bananas.

So we don’t have them any more.

They did look tropical though.